Justice for socks.

There it is. Right there, sticking its insane red head out and staring me down.  It looks like it owns the couch.  I mean I was going to sit over there but then I'd have to pick it up and I would probably feel obligated to lift all the cushions to check for more. I've been sitting here across the room staring at it in all its disgusting glory for about a half an hour now.  It’s that darn dirty mate to a sock I threw out last week.  I knew the other was here somewhere, but he was too much of a coward to show his face on laundry day. 

I have to tell you, I am getting so sick of these yellow bellied socks hiding all over the house.  I mean I even found one in the fridge once.  Those chicken livers will hide anywhere to get out of being cleaned.  I am fairly certain that with every load of laundry I do, at least 10 socks end up MIA.  Every single load, no exaggeration.  Since I do roughly three loads every day that makes about one billion socks a year gone missing. 

This is a major threat to sock society.  For every billion socks that go missing every year, there are another billion that are now jobless.  On top of being jobless, they also belong to a broken home and have deep seated psychological problems.  It saddens me greatly for those poor jobless socks. It’s not as if they could have done anything more to keep their mates from running off. 

In my opinion there is nothing worse than a sock who runs out on his spouse.  Leaving her to sit in a useless sock pile, dreaming of his return.  This usually comes to late as further humiliation occurs when her owner gives up hope of reuniting her with her love and dumps her in the trash bin. Personally I believe the cruelty of these socks who don't think twice about running off and leaving their mate is beyond unacceptable. We must band together and find these fugitive socks.  They must be held accountable for their callous actions. Laws must be declared and enforced with swift, strict punishment.  Something must be done immediately to stop this epidemic.

The first step to putting an end to this horrific injustice is to understand the underlying cause. Recent research suggests that the runaway socks do not have commitment issues, but rather suffer from a deep irrational fear of the washing machine.   "These runaways are not really criminals, they are in a way just as much victims as the mates they leave behind." states Ibrahim Al-Qudah. Mr. Al-Qudah, a specialized psychiatrist, has been counseling runaways in his clinic, Scared Socks, for upwards of thirty years now. He has been working diligently towards finding a solution for the problem.

I urge each of you to help us in this mission. We can no longer afford to overlook this catastrophe. The socks must be saved.  This madness must end.  My children must start putting their dirty socks in the laundry basket or I will go utterly and completely insane!  I mean, they really need to stop leaving dirty socks all over the house, I can’t take it anymore.